Being chronically ill I feel many things, usually pain, nausea, tired, sore, but those are physical. Some of the worst feelings I get are emotional. I feel sad and lonely, frustrated and even jealous at times, but the worst feeling I get from being ill is guilt.
Every action that I make has an underlying feeling of guilt to it and at times I feel suffocated by it. If I need to rest because the pain is at a 10 today, and every movement is like shards of glass cutting through my body and I could cry from being so tired, I feel guilty for being in bed, I should be up and doing all of the chores.
I also feel guilty for feeling that way, because when I am asked how I feel and I tell them honestly “It’s a bad day” they don’t look at me with care anymore, its a look of frustration. So I feel guilty for telling them how I feel and for making them put up with me being like this.
I feel guilt every time one of our friends buys a house, because I know if Harry wasn’t with me, he would either be renting his own place and be happy or he would be with someone else who he could have bought a home with… or if I wasn’t sick and I was working still we would have our own home instead of being with my mum.
I am then a wash of guilt when we see his parents because I know that they would never want their son to be with a chronically ill person. They would never say it, but who has a son and thinks “When he grows up we want him to meet a woman who will become a burden…” Noone, that is who.
I feel guilt every time someone makes plans and I can’t agree to them or I have to pull out at the last minute because of how shit I feel.
I feel guilty every time I go to the doctors or to the hospital and I don’t get a cure or answers. I know that deep down Harry expects answers every time I come back so that we can make plans for the future but I can’t make those plans because I don’t get answers. I feel guilty that I am not getting excited about the 23rd November and my hospital appointment for my “treatment.” I can’t because I am scared that it won’t work and I can’t have my hopes and dreams shattered again.
Of all of the feelings I wish I could lose, guilt is the one. I would put up with the pain and feeling like shit all the time if I could just get rid of all of the guilt.