Once again WordPress and their Daily Prompt: Perplexed has read me like a book.
Perplexed is the exact word I have been looking for when it came to describing how I have been feeling since Monday night and “the incident” happened.
I have decided that I will discuss the incident. I am not entirely sure if the person who is at the centre of it reads my blog or not but I am actually past the point of caring.
On Monday evening I received a text message from one of my best and oldest friends, this girl is also due to be my bridesmaid at my wedding. Now it isn’t the receiving of the message itself that is perplexing or out of the ordinary, nor was the fact that it was a group message. It was the content of the message which spun me through a loop.
The first message read: “Hey beautiful ladies, I just wanted to let you know that my wedding is set for 2nd March. And you are of course my bridesmaids! Stratts I know it’s very close to yours but dw I’m not having a big shindig 🙂 Hope that is ok for the both of you. Love you both lots xx”
(Let the record show that I am Stratts)
Anyway, I can hear you all… “What is so terrible about that Emma?” Well faithful followers, what she means about “It’s very close to yours” is that with less than 6 months to go, she has decided to book her wedding 3 weeks before my wedding… a whole 22 days between them. Her wedding date is also less than a week after my hen do.
Ok, well some of you might be thinking “Is it such a big deal?” But what if I was to go on and tell you that she had been engaged for 5 years, and has never made any plans to get married, and that when I saw her a month or so ago at the Bridesmaids Dress shopping when I asked her about her wedding and her plans, she said TO MY FACE “Oh we haven’t got anything planned, it’s miles away yet, but don’t worry it won’t be before yours.”
Are you with me yet? Can you see why I am perplexed.
When I first read the message I didn’t know whether to laugh or to cry. I sat there completely dumbstruck. I could not believe that she had done something like this.
I was honestly perplexed. At first I didn’t know whether I was just over reacting by being annoyed and a bit upset, so I told Harry. He wasn’t happy – to say the very least. He couldn’t believe that she would do something like that especially after we have gone out of our way to make her feel included and part of our wedding planning because she is a bridesmaid. My mother bought her dress, took her to lunch and was even paying for her to stay at the hotel the night before the wedding, and on the wedding day she was getting her hair and make up done. All I had asked her to pay for was a room at the hotel the night of the wedding, if she wanted to stay, if not she could stay at her mothers in our home town, and her shoes. I don’t think that is really too much to ask. All I really expected in return was not to be fucked over…Was that too much? Should I have not expected that? I mean I am not saying that no-one else can get married in March, I was just sort of expecting that the people closest to me wouldn’t swoop in and steal my wedding thunder 3 weeks before my wedding.
The other girl who completes us girls, Beth, texted me immediately after reading the message. I was still stunned that I didn’t really know what to say, and she was just as outraged as I was. She couldn’t believe this was happening to me. She didn’t understand why she would do it – well she did, so did I thought, but we both said we liked to think she had moved on from that behaviour. (I’ll explain this more later)
Beth was so upset for me, she was also annoyed because 2 minutes before we got the message about the wedding, Beth had sent everyone a message about my hen do, and assumed that Franki would have seen how close it all is and really had a think about it.
I was still so puzzled by the whole thing, I didn’t really understand what was being said in the text messages, I began to cry and Harry hugged me and said it’ll be ok, she can’t really mean it, and that our wedding will be better.
I replied to Franki, I said “Oh wow, congratulations….” Now this is where I made my first mistake, I lied to her initially and said “that’s ok, it is very close but ok…”
Why did I do that? It’s perplexing isn’t it, but I did it because I became the person I always am when it comes to Franki and I just was nice and let her get away with shit.
I spent the evening messaging Beth and another amazing friend Meg, the same one who had introduced me to Yoga, and I just vented. I ranted and I ranted, and being the good friends that they are, they listened to me, they told me their opinion, I asked if I was over reacting and they told me exactly what they thought. Neither of them could believe that she had done it, and they said if it was them they would kill her. I started to feel a little better about feelings so annoyed, and reassured that it wasn’t a Bridezilla moment. I told my mum when she came in from work and my mum hit the roof. I wish I could say she couldn’t believe that Franki would do something like this to me but sadly I can’t, she’s my mum, she has witnessed everything she has done to me in the past. My mum gave me a hug and told me it was ok, whatever I decided she backed me, but that she agreed with me that she has been stupid and spiteful to book it when she has because of my health and money situation.
I tried to talk it out with her and Harry, but I was just in a daze really. Part of me was happy for her and wanted to be at her wedding, but an even bigger part of me was resenting her already, I knew I wouldn’t be able to do everything that Feb and March has to throw at me and that I would have to make a really tough decision. I sat there as the literal definition of Perplexed – which is “completely baffled; very puzzled.”
My head was racing in every direction trying to decide what to do. I kept messaging Beth and Meg for their help, guidance, everything for the rest of the evening. I couldn’t get to sleep, I was awake for hours thinking about it all. The next morning it was still on my mind as I went to the doctors for my routine check up and medication appointment.
I tried to focus on getting all of the tasks I needed to do in town done. I even went a bought a yoga mat, as you know, so that I could do Yoga and not have to think about or try to work out why one of my best friends would do this to me.
I took the whole day, I really thought about what I was going to say to Franki. I was still talking to Beth, who is having her own mental break down about this development from Franki. She is in a very similar position to myself, she is chronically ill and works part-time. She cannot afford all of the time off from work, and all of the money it will cost her to travel and stay at these things and also attend my hen do, and the one Franki would want. That isn’t even mentioning the way it could damage her health. As she said “Your Hen do is Friday and Saturday so I’d go home Sunday, and her wedding is the Thursday after. It’s barely worth me going home for.” (Beth lives a long way from Franki and I and it is about a 4 hour care journey from hers to mine. having to do that twice in a week… it’s too much for her. Plus she doesn’t know if she could get the time off work, and she doesn’t want to have to pick between mine and Franki’s wedding. Beth and I have always been closer, we’ve been friends longer, and we have always just been closest. Even after she moved away at the age of 16, we are closer now and she lives miles away than we ever were. We talk daily. Everything we do it includes the other as much as we can considering the distance. So she is as annoyed with Franki as I am. For her own reasons and because she s hurt on my behalf that Franki would do this to me.
I wrote a very long message to Franki, on my computer so that I could change it and really think about what I was saying because I didn’t want to say something in haste and then regret it. I wanted to make sure that everything I said was truthful yet polite at the same time. Not that I think she deserves it really.
I agonised, over every word, every syllable. I tried to work out if I was just being a bad friend and being selfish by being annoyed that she would do this just before my wedding. I have prided myself on the fact that everyone has said I have been so chilled and lovely during this whole wedding process, and I haven’t been Bridezilla at all. I have even been really relaxed when it came to picking the bridesmaid dresses and had said they can have their hair and make up however they as a group decide. Had I been too nice and she thought it would be ok? Was it really ok and I was just being a cow? Was it a really fucking awful thing to do and she is a bitch for doing it?
I continued to ask for advice off people, because I was so confused by what to do or say. I was geninely puzzled by what to do. This was all virgin territory for me, I have always been the kind of girl who knew exactly what to do and say in every situation. I wasn’t often shocked by much and I would come to a solution rather speedily, that is something that people like about me. I am the girl who can sort out anything. If there is a crisis come to Emma, she will sort it out. Need advice? I know exactly what you should do. But this time I was at a loss. I was trapped in a cloud of haze. I was quesioning everything I thought I knew about Franki and our friendship. I was even questioning everything I knew about myself. Was it wrong to be upset? or was it actually understandable to be a little miffed by this?
Eventually, after hearing enough people tell me that I was more than justified to be more than just miffed I decided to just keep the message to Franki simple. Keep it honest but simple and see what kind of response I get.
“I’m happy for you and Dave and I am so honoured to be asked to be a Bridesmaid, but I am worried about a few things, my finances, what with it being where it is in relation to my wedding etc as I don’t have any money as I will be paying for the wedding at the start of the month as we get married at the end of it, and so will H and my mum, and I can’t ask her to sub me after the amount she is paying for the wedding too. I am also concerned about my health. I have my 2 day hen do, and then I had a month to just relax, do the last few little bits that need doing for the wedding and just rest to make sure that my body is in the best shape it can be for my day, and adding her hen do and her wedding in there would just be too much for me. I apologised and said I was so sorry, but I would need to think about it, because I didn’t want to be poorly at my day. Also if I am being honest with you, I am a little hurt that you have decided to put your wedding where you have. It is very close to mine, and it does feel like you are stealing my thunder a little bit. I also feel that you are putting some of our friends in an awkward position.” – That is the gist of what I said, apart from for some reason the actual message I sent her had a lot more apologising in it. I don’t really know why I was the one apologising after what she has done but that sums up our friendship really.
Franki would do something to hurt me or fuck me over and I would just let her et away with it. I would just be like “Oh it’s ok, tell my boyfriend I’ve dumped him and then you date him, that’s totally understandable yup” – I’m not even joking, she did that.
I promise I will write a post about all the crap she has pulled on me in the past, because trust me, it makes a bloody good read.
I got a reply from her, want to know what her reply was to me saying I was hurt by her decision to have her wedding 22 days before mine?
She said words along the lines of “Well, I didn’t think you’d mind and that it wasn’t a big deal. I’ve been waiting longer than you have to get married and I just want to get it out of the way.”
Her reply stunned me even more. It left me even more dazed, confused, puzzled, hurt… So many things. I just couldn’t understand why someone who I care about, someone who claims to be my best friend would choose to do this to me. I had been searching for the word for days and seeing this daily prompt finally made me realise what I was.
You know I started writing this blog at 3pm, it’s not 11:11pm and I am still as perplexed by the situation and what I am going to do about it. It is now past midnight and I had written a sentence. I couldn’t even gather my thoughts in to a coherent sentence to actually write it down…
I feel trapped, how do I make a decision about this?
I can either tell her my true feelings and knowng her like I do, she will turn it round on me.
I can’t pretend that I am ok with what she has done.
I can’t pretend that I don’t resent her already, and that I don’t think we can just go back to being friends and cool again after this.
I don’t want her there on my wedding day, because I don’t think I want to carry on being her friend, and I don’t want to look back at my wedding photo’s and think of my day knowing I didn’t really want her there…
I can’t explode on her, and vent all my feelings.
Beth has just sent me a message and she has sent me a message she got from Franki about the wedding.
Franki told Beth, “When people find out you’re engaged, it’s really tiresome to have 5 years of the same questions and it’s become a huge weight on my shoulders for a while. I want it off of my shoulders as its been a huge strain on me mentally”
That ladies and gents is her reason for getting married.
It has left me even more perplexed than before… it has also left me angry and crying, shaking with rage.
It doesn’t sound like a good enough reason to me.
I feel like I’ve been kicked in the gut. I feel sick I am so hurt.
I just want to scream at her…
NOT GETTING MARRIED IS A BURDEN ON HER AND MAKING HER SAD? I’M SO FUCKING PLEASED MY HAPPINESS MEANS NOTHING TO HER AND THAT HURTING ME AND RUINING WHAT IS MEANT TO BE THE HAPPIEST TIME OF MY LIFE IS ACCEPTABLE TO HER. AS LONG AS IT MAKES HER FEEL BETTER THAT’S OK!
She may have just written “The last 16 years means nothing! Fuck you Emma” in massive letters. Does she genuinely think ‘People ask me questions and it makes me sad’ is a legitmate reason to get married 22 days before me in such a way….?
Someone please tell me what to do. Explain to me how I can make this all ok? I don’t want to be perplexed anymore…