Ironically, I’ve had loads of things that I have wanted to blog about recently but I haven’t had chance. So at 03:16am on Monday morning I am going to try tackling one of the subjects at least. I mean what else is there to do whilst insomnia has reared its ugly head again and the new medication which I thought was amazing and the answer to all my prayers, isn’t working. That blissful, reduced pain moment was all too fleeting. So it looks like it is time to up my dosage… But anyway medication aside, that isn’t what I want to talk about right now. Tonight, or this morning as I should say, I want to discuss friendship.
Strictly speaking it isn’t about a friendship in a way that everyone else would think of it, but it does link back to a previous post I have made about this person and this ‘friendship.’ Maybe at some point when I can be bothered to scroll back and look through my posts I will link it, so you can all have the full picture, from the start and really understand why what I am about to tell you is so poignant.
(A quick recap for those who don’t want to read the blog about this, or until I put the link in…) Just over 2 years ago I had a falling out with the woman who was one of my best friends. When I say best friend I mean, multiple phone calls a day, hundreds of texts and we would see each other most nights. In fact we were more like a couple than friends, just without the sex. I mean we saw each other undressed enough times but still. We had been friends since secondary school but drifted when I went off to university, and unfortunately it took the break down of her marriage to bring up back together. I supported her through all of the terrible stuff that happened from this break down, I lent her money to pay the bills, buy food and generally live. I hugged her as she cried… you name it I did it. We were a team.
I then met Harry and she got jealous and was very rude to him, which lead to her and myself having words. We worked it out she grew to love Harry, and then she met a man.
My friend rushed in with this guy. After 5 days he had moved in to her flat and all sorts. She then started cutting me out of her life slowly, and the few times I did meet this guy he treated her really poorly. Lots of other stuff happened in between it all which gave me a really bad opinion of him and I didn’t like or trust him, and I had concerns for my friend.
Because of these opinions we drifted, then one day (just about a year when this happened) she calls me to say she is pregnant and she wants me to be part of the baby’s life. I was pleased for her but at the same time concerned due to all of the things this guy had done in the past that I still have concerns but that I was there for her and the baby. I mean they’d been together less than a year when she fell pregnant… so you can see how quickly this was going. During this conversation she told me they were going to get married before the baby came. Long story short, I told her that I didn’t think getting married again, especially to a man she hasn’t been together with very long, and who didn’t really treat her very well. I encouraged her to wait on the marriage, we got in to a huge fight and we ended up saying things. I basically called the new guy, her ex husband 2.0… I regretted saying it but I did think it….
So they ended up getting married, having the baby, and getting a flat…
2 years later, and I found out the other day that they had separated. Her and I haven’t spoken since our argument, but I think of her often. Obviously because she was a massive part of my life, it was more like losing a sister than a friend, when we fell out it was like a death. It might sound dramatic but that is how close we were.
I’ve known about it for a couple of days, and I had a really weird feeling. I couldn’t shake a voice in my head telling me to message her. Not in a “I told you so” way, in a “I am really sorry to hear what is going on…” way.
I have gone back and forth with myself about it for a couple of days, “Should I message her? Shouldn’t I?” In the end, this evening I gave in. I decided to message her, I wrote:
“I know I’m the last person you would expect to get a message from, and I don’t even know if this is still your number, and you might not even read it or you might just tell me to fuck off… But I heard about you and Yam, and I just wanted to say, I was sorry to hear about it because although we haven’t spoken or been close or even friends for years I always wanted you to be happy and for things to work out. Regardless of my feelings towards him at the time, I never wished anything but happiness for you especially after everything you’ve been through. So it really made me sad when I heard you’d separated, I hope you and your little boy are ok, I know you will be because (I know because I used to know you so well) you’re stronger than you ever thought or knew you were. Anyway, I’ll leave you alone again, I just had this nagging feeling in my head that I needed to message you when I heard, even if you didn’t want to hear from me. That’s all I wanted to say.”
I wasn’t expecting a reply, I just needed to message her, it was something I needed to do for myself, and for her, for all the time she was my best friend.
I did get a reply, firstly it was a reply saying she hadn’t got my number saved as she had changed phones, so I told her who I was, and she said that “Something said to me it was you but I wasn’t sure.” She also thanked me for messaging her and for thinking of her. So that was nice. I messaged her back, but it was late and she has a little one to look after in the morning, so I didn’t get a reply, who knows it I will get another one… but I feel happier in myself knowing that I reached out. Is that selfish? I mean she is the one going through a tough time again, but I messaged her for my needs… because I needed to feel better about it, because I needed her to know that if I found out about her separation that I wouldn’t be pleased about it, and that I did want her to be happy.
I’m not sure if we will ever be friends again or what will happen, but I hope that getting my message – even if she didn’t want to hear it from me – said some nice things that maybe made her evening a little bit easier or put a smile on her face even for a second. Having done it, I would urge you to contact that person you’ve fallen out with but is always still in the back of your mind, because you don’t know they might be missing you, or needing someone. Even if it is a well-timed text. Don’t let things fester, life really is too short. If you miss someone, do what you can to have them part of your life again, because you never know what might happen, and wouldn’t it be better to try to maybe be told to fuck off, than to spend the rest of your life wondering “what if?” or wishing you’d just swallowed your pride…?