You’ve got to be kidding me

I went to bed on Thursday night excited to wake up Friday morning to go to the doctors to tal about the letter from the pain clinic and my doctor there and pick up the first of my medications. My pain specialist doctor has suggested a number of medication changes as well as some treatments like starting yoga or pilates, and going to physio and talking to someone for my mental health. My GP and I have decided to introduce or change the medications one by one, so that we can see clearly if they work or have any side effects etc. Which I am pleased about. The first step to getting my life on track.

*Beep Beep* My alarm went off, I reached over to grab my phone to turn it off and I screamed, I was in seering pain. I didn’t understand, what the fuck was happening? My left shoulder – the one I partially dislocated and had all the issues with a few years ago – was causing me so much pain. I couldn’t move my neck, or my arm, and my trapezius muscle was on fire. I cannot describe the pain, it felt like it did when I dislocated it. I couldn’t believe it, my body was taking the piss, I woke up on what should have been a good day. The start of me healing and getting better. I was about to get my life back, and now my shoulder is all busted up again, like some sick joke.

I got in the shower, thinking I had just slept funny and it would get better if I just got on with it and put it under the warm water. It didn’t help, I couldn’t wash my hair. I didn’t get it. I was telling Harry how much pain I was in, and I got a bit sad/mad because he made some comment along the lines of “what is it now?”

I was so pissed off, does he really think this is the life that I want? To be in constant pain? He put my bra on for me, and I think he started to realise that actually I was in a lot of pain and something wasn’t right, because I couldn’t brush my hair, it was so painful, and I couldn’t move my neck to talk to him, I was having to turn my whole body to talk to him.

He dropped me in town so that I could go to the doctors and gave me his card so I could pay for my prescription and get some bits that we needed for the house.

I had a little walk about the town but I was in so much pain. I got the few bits I needed and then went to the doctors. I was called in for my appointment, and before I could say anything my doctor said “Oh my goodness Emma, your shoulder, what’s wrong? It’s dropped!” I was a bit shocked. I told her about the dislocation that had happened and filled her in, she read my notes. She is a new doctor so she wasn’t familiar with all of my notes, but she has read up on all of the issues since last year to do with my appendix and all the operations and treatments and pain since.
I also told her how a week or so ago I had been carrying shopping home on the bus and it was very heavy and my arm had popped and felt like it was pulling from the socket, and how I had woken up today in agony. She did a few tests, asking me to move my arm and my head and all sorts and saw how much pain I was in. She told me that really  I need an X-ray. She told me to go home and ice it and rest it, and take some medication and see if it feels better. It was hard to see anything without an X-ray, but she said I had a lot of inflammation in there… so hopefully it’s an inflammation issues and it is just a flare up and not dislocated again. She said if it was still painful by friday evening I had to go to A&E.

We then talked about my new medications and what the pain clinic letter said and the plan for the future. The doctor informed me that I would be starting with Pregabalin. Pregabalin is a medication used to treat epilepsy, neuropathic pain, fibromyalgia, and generalized anxiety disorder. I am also able to continue taking my dosage of Amitriptyline. The doctor has also informed me that the two combined should work well together to help me with my depression and anxiety. Which is a good sign. Thank god.

The only side effect that worries me is the one where it says it could case weight gain. That I don’t need. Fuck me, I don’t want to be fat any more. I can’t seem to do anything about it at the moment. I am not allowed or able to exercise. I am eating well, healthy options, but if we are having a treat or having to go out to eat with people, I either have the healthiest option there is, or I have smaller portions.
My stomach is actually smaller, and so are my thighs – I know this because I am starting to get in to my old clothes which are smaller sizes…. then I did a stupid thing. I got on the scales. According to them, I have actually gone up in weight! I could have cried. I jokingly yelled that the scales were “a lying bastard!!” Harry and I had a laugh about it. He tried to make me feel better, he said “Muscle weighs more than fat. And you’ve started toning up by walking more and going on the bike. Don’t worry, I can tell and people always say ‘You’ve lost weight’ when they see you. So focus on that and ignore the scales.”
When I go back to the doctors to talk about the Pregabalin, and upping my dosage and adding more things in, I am going to ask about pills or something to help with my weight. I can’t seem to do anything else.

Anyway back to my shoulder…well, as you can guess, being me, I didn’t go to A&E. I went home. I got the ice pack out the freezer and I started icing my shoulder. I then took my first Pregabalin. It did exactly what it said on the tin. It made me sleepy and it helped with the pain. It also helped me with the pain in my shoulder, I could move my neck and I could move my arm a bit more. I actually got a couple of naps in.
I had messed up dreams, but I actually slept. It was amazing.
When I woke up after my nap, my shoulder was hurting again. I then got up and looked in the mirror. My left shoulder has dropped an inch or more lower than my right one.
I was so shocked. I couldn’t move it or my neck, but I carried on. Took some more pain kills and ate some food.
Harry came home and I showed him my shoulder and he was like “Fucking hell Em…. Stand properly, neck straight, stand straight.” I tried but couldn’t get my neck any straighter and I was standing straight, but my shoulder didn’t rise. I tried to shrug my shoulders, the right went up but the left lifted slightly but just hurt. “Em, that’s not good.” I looked at him, and gave him this cheeky smile and said “Nah, I’ve just slept funny.” He laughed at me and said “I was trying to be positive this morning, but I don’t know how you go to sleep and wake up with a dislocated shoulder again…”
I told him that icing it and taking the new medication had helped, granted it was meant to be for my belly, but it’s helping the shoulder so that’s a bonus.
We went up to bed to watch TV, and I then started the routine of bed time medications. By this point my left side had started to get painful and stiff again.
After my first load of pills I then rubbed in the really strong deep heat rub, which I was prescribed by the doctor when I dislocated my shoulder originally. I massaged it in, and it was so painful. Even the lightest touch caused what felt like fire to surge through my trap. I got to my neck, and as I rubbed, I felt the oh so familiar lump. The extra lump I get, which is basically my discs shifting out of position and becoming inflammed. When I touched it I was instantly transported back 3 years, to when this all happened with my shoulder.
Once the deep heat was rubbed in I left it for a bit whilst we watched Hall Pass. – Side note, not actually that bad a film. It isn’t oscar worthy but it is Owen Wilson and Jason Sudeikis film. It has it’s funny moments and it was an easy watch. We were both so tired it was actually enjoyable to just switch off.

I then got the ice pack out again, and took my next Pregabalin. After 30 minutes the pain was reduced, and I was able to sleep. I slept so well, all night long. It was wonderful. My body needs a good sleep, so I can’t wait to sleep again.
Actually as I type this I can feel myself drifting off, my eyes are getting heavy and I want a nap.

I awoke this morning and the pain was back, I was in agony again. I called my mum, who looked at my shoulder and that it was dropped again. I told her what the dr said about going to A&E. She was mad at me because I hadn’t said anything and I hadn’t gone.
I ended up going shopping with my nan, as she needs help, so mother and I took her, and we did some shopping. But my nan also looked at me spotted my shoulder.
I don’t really know what I want to do about it. The Pregabalin has been helping a lot, it allows me to move my neck and my shoulder properly, but once it wears off I am close to tears every time I move because of the pain.

I will likely just keep resting it, and icing it, and taking the pain killers and my new mediction and hope that after a while it will be ok again.
If I get to Tuesday and it is no better I will go back to the doctor or to A&E.
I just can’t believe that my life and body is such a joke and a bastard, that once 1 thing is getting better another old issue plays up.


URGH when will it all be ok??

Anyway, I’m off for a nap. I’m exhausted.


3 thoughts on “You’ve got to be kidding me

      1. Jackie says:

        If you’re interested, look up Ehlers Danlos Syndrome hypermobility type. It was once thought rare, but is now becoming consider under diagnosed.

        Sometimes people become less hypermobile with age, so if diagnosis isn’t made early, it may be missed.

        My mom was in her fifties and had several shoulder dislocations and surgeries before being correctly diagnosed with why she had all the issues in the first place.


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