On friday I have a doctor’s appointment to discuss the letter that they have received from the pain clinic, and to discuss future medication and treatment. Fingers crossed she gives me everything I need, not that I can afford to pay for my prescriptions, but also to help me mentally.
Over the past week I have been reducing the amount of amitriptyline I take at night. I take it for pain and nerve issues and to help me sleep, however since I have started lowering my dosage it has become apparent to me that it was helping me in other ways. Amitriptyline is an old school anti-depressant, which was later used more often for nerve pain. I only take it before bed in the hope that it will help me sleep, and it does help most of the time.
However since I have started reducing my dosage I have noticed that my mood has dipped even more. I have never taken anything for depression and have always managed to solider on I suppose. I sort of just kept it buried and carried on with life, where as the past week, reducing my dosage has left me feeling even more moody, unrational and upset. I cry at literally anything, and for the first time in a really long time I’ve been having dark thoughts.
I never really thought I would be someone who ever said this aloud let alone write it down for others to see… and this isn’t a cry for attention or for help… I am clinging to the hope that if I do get it out of my head I won’t think it anymore.
Since lowering my dosage, I have had thoughts of harming myself. Tonight for example, I’ve been sat here with H, watching TV and I’ve been thinking trains of thought along the lines of…
“Just get up in the middle of the night once everyone is asleep and leave, and find somewhere to just curl up and die…” or “With all of the medications I have here, I could do it.” “I have 2 – 3 bottles of Oramorph, 1000’s of tramadol and other pain killers, 100’s of amitriptyline tablets make a cocktail and leave everyone to get on with their lives.”
Like I said, I’ve always been someone who just got on with it, yeah I’m depressed but with everything I’ve been through you’d have to be superhuman to not be depressed, and isn’t everyone depressed these days? That isn’t meant to sound flippant, but it just seems that a lot of people I know struggle with depression and fight their demons, so it makes me think… is this what growing up is about or is the world just an unhappier place?
The reason this has gotten to the stage where I have to write it down and address it, is because for some reason I can’t squash the feelings of doom. My demons seem to be unbeatable, I can’t mute them and fake a smile. I can no longer stop myself from crying at the drop of a hat. The demons are laughing at me as I crumble and as my mood drops I can see my loved ones around me starting to get fed up with it.
My other concern is the fact that I’m meant to keep lowering my dosage every night until by friday I’m basically on nothing and then they will hopefully switch it and put me on other things.
I just feel like a failure, the fact that I can’t control my own mind and feelings. I feel like the biggest piece of shit.
A friend of the family is a counsellor and she has offered me her services free of charge, because she has noticed from just spending time with me that I’m a shell. I want to take her up on it, but I don’t even know where I would start… and I just feel like if I did try and talk about things I’d just cry. I spend most of my day either sobbing… or using all the mental power I have when people are home to hide the fact that I just want to cry… or die… I try eveything I can to be Emma still. But that is kind of hard when I don’t even know who Emma is anymore.
Someone. Help me.