I am Emma and I am struggling again.
The past few days I have had an awful pain flare, the worst that it has been for a long time and my energy levels haven’t been this bad in a long time either. It’s like I’ve crashed. I never really healed and I just carried on and now I have hit rock bottom again.
The pain is like being stabbed through my belly button and all around my stomach. My stomach feels like it is bruised. Like my actual stomach, internally. The pain is in my hips, in the joints and my lower back. The pain is down my thighs. My outter thighs also feel like they are bruised, if I touch them I am reduced to tears… even more tears.
My mum asked me earlier why I was walking like I had been fucked in the arse. If I am being disgustingly honest, I would rather that right now than this. I can’t walk or bend or do anything. I just want to scream from the pain.
What makes me feel even worse is the fact that last week I had a proper chat with Harry about him coming up with an exercise plan for me. Finding ways for me to start exercising so that I can get my weight under control. I even spoke to my mum about her paying for a gym membership for me, so that I can go swimming and build up, surely I can do a few lengths? I mean I will feel ashamed of myself in that swimming costume, convinced that everyone will be looking at me like Shamu has turned up at the country club pool.
Or that I could go to the gym and start by walking on the treadmill, and building up.
But how am I ever going to get back to being healthy and skinnier if I can’t even stand or walk? How am I meant to be getting health and exercising if I am so tired I can barely function but at the same time can’t sleep?
Am I destined to get fatter and fatter until I just die from it?
I have the exerciser bike but really I can’t do it at the moment the way my hips feel.
I could go back to not eating or only eating watermelon, but that doesn’t seem like the right way to go about it, because my body needs to heal still, and if it can’t do it with sleep it certianly needs food. Imagine how little energy I would have if I cut food out completely!
I’ve already cut my portions down to the minimum and I’ve cut all the bad stuff out. Occasionally I have a treat, but it is really once in a blue moon. Most of my food is fruit or veg. With some carbs, because you need carbs people, never cut them out, without them your body cannot function, and protein. All my meals, unless we are out to dinner with friends or family are all home made with fresh produce, and are healthy.
Someone help me come up with ways to keep my weight under control.
Someone help me cure this pain. Someone help me get my life back. I don’t want to be like this any more.