I am so far beyond exhausted that I can barely think about what I am typing, so I am just going with the first thing that comes to mind or that my fingers make appear form the keyboard.
I finally dropped off last night, not too long after I posted on here, and I slept right through, pretty much, right up until not long ago. I don’t remember Harry leaving but I do remember a conversation, well a few words with my mum… maybe. Or I dreamed them. But I can’t remember the words, so I will have to email her and check that she didn’t ask me to do anything.
I should really still be in bed. That is what my body is telling me, and even my mind right now, but I can’t, I still cannot get rid of that nagging feeling saying “Get up you lazy bitch, you’ve got house wife stuff to do. You can’t expect everyone to be at work all day and you do nothing but sleep!!” I know that is exactly what I should be doing, and that is what the doctors have told me to do, but can someone please tell me how you find the right balance between following orders and not feeling guilty??
How tired am I?? I’m pretty sure when I went for a wee earlier, I fell asleep on the loo for about 20 minutes. I seemed to have lost some time and I woke up with very numb legs. Needless to say, I am currently stood in my kitchen typing this, with a load of washing in the machine and running the hot water ready to wash up.
I woke up too late to get anything out of the freezer to defrost so I am now trying to think of things that I can make with what we have in the cupboards or that cook from frozen.
I keep promising myself “after this chore I will rest.” However I keep looking around and I keep thinking “That needs doing.” A lot of things didn’t get done over the weekend either, because I was out Saturday and was feeling like shit yesterday. Harry did a few bits Saturday but it was his day off and really he shouldn’t have to do them. That is the whole point of me being home I suppose, that I do them. But it is hard to be so fatigued and chronically exhausted and a good hose wife say. There are times when the thought of having to cook or wash up or hoover make me want to break down and cry because of how tired I am or how much pain I am in. But I just get up and do them anyway.
Harry is fantastic in so many ways, but his one flaw, is that he cannot cook. Well he can, but trust me they are the weirdest things ever and as he himself says “You wouldn’t want to eat them.” I am blessed with a man who is so amazing in every other way, and that I totally adore him and couldn’t be without, even on the days when we have had words and don’t particularly like each other, I still can’t imagine being without him. So I can forgive him for not being able to whip me up a 3 course meal at the end of his working day. But then again he shouldn’t have to. I look cooking, and I love making him dinner and hearing him say how much he loved it. He’s not lying either, he often makes noises about how good it is whilst he is eating it.
Again I can’t moan about having to cook all the time either, because if I really don’t want to or physically can’t Harry will buy us dinner from takeaway or something. Honestly, he would buy me anything I want. I sound so spoiled and I tell him all the time he doesn’t need to buy me things, I love him anyway. He just doesn’t want me to go without or struggle because I’ve cooked for him. And I think deep down, this is his way of trying to help me. He can see I don’t feel well or don’t want to be cooking so he gets me something to eat whilst he’s out, and even though he knows I’ll say “No” to any offer of help he might offer whilst I am cooking, the offer in itself is enough to get me through. Like yesterday, he was called out to work and I was home, exhausted and in pain and I told him I’d cook him something for dinner… but he knew I wasn’t really up for it, so he came home armed with a Mac and Cheese meal (my favourite and it was a fancy one) and some Oreo doughnuts. Mac and Cheese was a winner and it made me so happy that I hadn’t had to cook… the doughnuts however, not as good as you’d expect.
It’s also a bad pain day… You know how it goes. I carry on over doing it and never rest or get better and it’s a vicious circle. One day I will get the balance right, or it will kill me. I’m certain of that.
Anyway, I better get on because I feel like I am going to fall asleep standing up, like a horse or a cow. Sooner things are done, the sooner I can head to bed… and not sleep!