So, on Tuesday I turned the grand old age of 27. I had a fabulous birthday, initially I was dreading turning 27, because when I was younger I had all these plans and dreams of what I would have achieved by this age, and I haven’t really achieved any of them.
Also, my mum reminded me – not in a malicious way – that when she was my age, she had already given birth to me, gotten married, bought a house. (And actually getting a divorce – but that’s not the point. They are still best friends.)
I can’t tell you exactly why I have such a big issue with the number 27 in my head, and have such a fixation on it. Perhaps its the age where I see myself as becoming a proper adult. Everything before it seemed like I was still young and still had time to do something, but when you reach 27, suddenly it all changes. The way you are perceived changes and the goal posts actually move. Being 26 and unmarried and with no children doesn’t seem wrong at all, it seems like you are still having fun and enjoying life but then as soon as you hit 27, being those things suddenly means you need to grow up and settle down, time is getting away from you tick tock. I know there will be so many of you out there saying “27 isn’t old” and things like that, but I want you all to think, “Actually when I was 27, what had I achieved” and I bet it is a lot more than you realise. By 27 most people are on their career paths, settling down, in their own homes. You’ve all made your 5 and 10 year plans and you’re sticking to them. Well for me, I don’t have that luxury. At the age of 23 I laughed when I graduated Uni and wasn’t really sure what I wanted to do. “I have loads of time” I thought to myself. I was stupid, and I was naive. I was health back then and I never thought that I wouldn’t be able to do whatever I wanted or live the life I wanted. I never thought I would have to fight my own bosy on a daily basis to do the simple things let alone achieve goals that now seem impossible.
I have really wrestled with coming to terms with the fact that I will not be where I had always thought that I would be by now. It is even harder watching from the sidelines as everyone else gets on with their lives and hits those life goals whilst I’m here, wishing them all the best but at the same time wishing that they’d at least stand on an upturned plug, just so their lives aren’t perfect.
I feel like I am getting better at accepting it. I am very lucky in some ways, I have a wonderfully loving family and I have the most amazing fiance in the world. There is no man out there who could ever compare to him and he really is the good in my life. I will be married to him this time next year, I am using that as a beacon. I am focusing on that at the moment. “See Emma, things are moving in the right direction, it just doesn’t always feel like it, but you will get there.” I keep telling myself, and on Tuesday morning, when even though I was 27 and my Mum and Harry both had to go to work that day, I was flung back in time. My mum still woke me up early like she always used to, and we did presents before she went to work. I wasn’t expecting anything, because she already does enough for me and she is paying for the wedding after all.
But needless to say, she spoilt me.
Then once her gifts were done and she left for work, Harry told me to stay in bed. He called me down a few minutes later and I was greeted by a “Happy 30th Birthday” banner and my loving husband to be standing amongst a sea of balloons hold a Pug birthday cake.
Suddenly all the worries and disappointment in myself over not having reached the right life goals and the right time washed away, and I was just filled with happiness and love. I laughed, actually seeing the 30th banner made me laugh the most.
That and the fact that the man whom I have called Pug for nearly 4 years was holding a Pug cake. I had no idea where he got it from or where he had been hiding it. But I blew out my candles as the dogs played in the balloons. I was made to sit on the sofa, before having even more presents presented to me.
I was in shock, I had told him not to get me anything, to save the money for the house. I don’t know why, but Harry can never not buy me things. I always say “I’ll still love you if you stop buying me presents” and he just says “They’re only little” The other thing about the presents Harry buys, is that they always have a reason to them.
For example, I got a Captain America Shield which is an LED light and it goes on the wall. He got me this because last year he got me Thors Hammer, and I said to him we’d have to get them all over time and put them in the Nursey, because “Babies need a night light, and what other way to feel safe than having superheroes watching over them” – So, there, we now have 2 lights for the nursery, even though we aren’t having a baby yet.
He also got me a PS4 game – For all the days and nights I’m stuck in bed, unable to sleep due to pain and insomnia, and when I’m in too much pain to get up. I now have an excse to stay in bed.
He got me a mug which read “Don’t be a mug, be a pug” – Because although I like pugs, my petname for him is Pug. So one year he got me a “Team Pug” hoody. Not for the breed of dog, but I am Team Harry. So, this time he got me a pug mug.
He got me a book. He couldn’t find an Agatha Christie book I don’t already own or hadn’t read, so he found me another murder mystery novel. Again for the times I can’t sleep or should be resting.
And the last one, he’s bought us a night away in a hotel this weekend. Most people would be expecting a dirty weekend, and whilst he knows he’ll probably get lucky as long as I’m feeling up to it. The real reason he got it for me…? Because I asked for it, so that I could properly rest. As much as I love our dogs they do dominate my life. I always give in to them, and through my own fault entirely they are cuddlers, and this means, most of the time 1 or both of them sleeps on our bed. They aren’t small dogs either. And I am always the one who gives up their space and their duvet. The amount of times I’ve ended sleeping at the bottom of our bed. Harry gets pushed out too, but he usually moves them, I however can’t they are too heavy I always think, it doesn’t matter if I don’t have much room, Harry has to get up in the morning and go to work.
But on Sunday night, our king size bed will be so big I won’t even feel Harry on the other side of it.
There’s a spa and everything at this hotel and I’ve been instructed to just relax and use it to recharge a bit.
Anyway, I’ve got another blog post to write later about my trip to the hospital on Wednesday. Let’s just say it won’t be as cheery as this post is, but I better sign off this one and get a few things done, before I start on that one.