I thought that it was about time I finished the long story of my health.
I am finally ready. I have pictures to go along with this part of the story, however I will upload them when I have time / I feel ready to share. Although I am willing and ready to talk about the horrific experience I went through a year ago, I am not ready to show the damage that they did to my body just yet. I can barely stand to take my own top off and look at the scars myself, so I am not ready to put pictures up online yet of what happened to me during the worst 3 weeks and subsequent yer of my life. But give me time, and please be patient that is all I ask, I have learnt to be patient, but I will get there eventually and you will all see what really happened to me, because I think it really does need to be seen to be believed.
12th May 2015 was the day that I suffered a miscarriage and this is where it all begins. Not many people know I had a miscarriage but again I am learning to be open and honest and I cannot tell this part of my story without including it.
In the March of 2015 my period was late. It did cross my mind straight away that I might have been pregnant but I waited a few days before I told Harry becasue I wanted to be really sure I wasn’t just a few days late. Since the age of about 12 or 13 whenever my periods started they have been so regular my friends used to joke that you could set a clock by them. I always came on at the same time, of the same day every month, without exception. I had never been late before so this is why when that day and time arrived I was a little surprised. I wasn’t worried, I was just surprised, I thought to myself maybe I was pregnant but we were using contraception so I just waited it out for a few days. 4 Months prior to this I had had my contraception changed by the doctor against my wishes, I’d been on the same one since I was 16 and I had never had any problems with it but I gave it a go. For the 3 months before March my periods hadn’t changed and they stayed as regular as ever. I re-read the instructions on my contraception just to be clear with what they said, they did say that they could cause periods to stop or even be more frequent. All the usual stuff they have to say to cover their backs. So I waited a few days, just to make sure I wasn’t jumping the gun, in fact I waited 5 days to tell Harry. I said to him one morning “I just wanted to let you know, I’ve been waiting for my period and it’s a little late.” Instantly he looked at me and went “You’re never late.” It was very calm, neither of us worried and we agreed I’d wait until I was a full week later before I went and got a pregnancy test.
I waited for the week to be up, and I stopped taking the contraception just in case and I stopped taking my medication. We decided that it was probably the best idea until we knew what was going on. I took the pregnancy test and it came back negative. So we left it for a few more days and nothing. At 2 weeks late I took another test and it was still negative.
At least another week passted, I went to see my GP and they told me it was nothing to worry about it happens on that medication but keep taking pregancy tests to be sure.
That weekend, I end up being rushed to hospital, due to pain in my abdomen. They sent me for a scan and the ultrasound lady told me that in her professionaln opinion she believed that I was pregnant but that it would be too early to see anything on the scan, and that sometimes some woman don’t produce the hormone that a pregnancy test needs for a positive until they are passed a certain date. So they kept me in for a few hours, gave me some pain meds and sent me home.
A few more weeks and a few more prgnancy tests and I was stll getting negative results. But we were more convinced than ever, I’d begun to get a little bump.
I made another Doctors appointment andthis time they decided to do a test right there. By this point we worked out that I was in the region of 90 days since my last period, which apparently (and I don’t know if this is right) is when they start counting a pregnancy from until they can date it properly. The test was negative but this time the doctor was a little concerned that as I’d stopped taking the contraception for over a month now that my periods should have started again, so they arranged for me to have an ultrasound again the following week when they had space for me. My appointment was booked for 09:45 May 13th 2015. I never got to make that appointment. I woke up on the 12th and I felt rubbish, and I had awful pains in my stomach. But as I came too properly I realised that it felt like I had wet myself. I flung the covers back and my pyjama bottoms were soaked. I got out of my bed and I ran t the bathroom, I pulled them down and it was like a scene from Carrie. I was covered, as I sat on the toilet I could feel it almost pour out of me. I sat there and I text Harry, he was at work, he’d only been at this new job 6 weeks and I didn’t want to do anything that might get him in to trouble. So I text him and told him not to panic but that I thought I was having a miscarriage. I sat on the toilet and I called 111. Which in England is the non-emergency line for medical problems. Really I just wanted some advice or for someone to tell me what to do. This lovely girl on the phone answered and I said to her… “Hello… I think I’m having a miscarriage.” I felt sick as soon as I said it, bt she was amazing on the phone, she told me that she had to ask me these questions and that she would talk me through everything. The more questions she asked me the more I could hear the sadness or worry in her voice. Although she was caring and professional it was obvious that she knew what was happening. She told me that she has shown my call details to an on call dr there and that they are convinced that I am suffering from a miscarriage. They told me they would send an ambulance, but I said it was ok, Harry could take me. Luckily he was only down the road. I asked if I could shower as I was covered in blood. The girl said “take photos of what it’s like, because if you clean up the doctors at the hospital will want to see what has happened. I decided to have a good wipe down there, and I took photos of the pyjama bottoms and my bed. I got changed in to some clean clothes and found a pad to use to help contain the bleeding. The woman stayed on the phone with me until Harry arrived and let me know that if at any point the pains (which were getting worse) became too unbareable on our drive to the hospital to pull over and call 999. Harry arrived from work in what felt like seonds. He was so quick. I said to him “What did you tell the boss?” He said “I didn’t, I told the guys I was working with and they told me to go and that they would either cover for me or let him know.”
By the time I had reached the car and put a towel down, blood was aready showing through my clean joggers.
The pains whilst in the car were awful and I was crying and nearly screaming at one point. Harry got me there so fast, I didn’t want to stop for the ambulance.
We arrived at the hospital and I got to A&E. Harry pretty much carried me in as the pain was so bad. But then as we stood there in the line to check in, the busy waiting room suddenly went quiet. I became aware of the fact that everyone was looking at me, or more importantly the blood on my trousers. I was crying from the pain and a little boy said “Mummy, why is that ladies wee wee red?” I heard her sssh him and she gave me an apologetic smile. Harry booked me in, told them that they should be expecting me and we were told to take a seat because the computers were down but as soon as they were up someone would be through to get me.
I sat there for over an hour. Blood was dripping down my leg and puddling on the floor and I was nearly screaming from pain. People were trying not to look but they couldn’t help it. Harry went up again, this was the 3rd time. I’d never seen him as angry as he was right at this moment. He demanded to know what was going on and why we were still in the waiting room an hour after we’d come in. The answer…They’d forgotten. They hadn’t booked me in when the computers came back on line and each time he’d been up before they just assumed they’d done it. It wasn’t until they actually checked again did they realise they had made me sit there for over an hour bleeding and in agony. I was rushed through again. The seat and the foor where I’d been sat were covered in blood and I was leaving drops as I walked through to the cubicle.
A nurse walked in to my cubicle and said “pee in this” that was it. No caring words nothing. “Pee in this.” I went out to the loo and I did as instructed. I pee’d in it and minutes later she came back and said “It’s negative…” She left again but then this time another nurse came. “We want to take some bloods to double check and we are going to admit you and send you for an ultrasound.” I wasn’t offered new clothes or anything to wash with. I had to sit there in my strained trousers. Harry called my mum at work and told her what was happening. She left work too, and rushed home to get me something to wear and things for my stay. Luckily I had my blood tests taken quickly and was sent up to a ward really fast. Harry said “They can’t think it’s nothing if they are admitting you.”
I went up and we say there just waiting. I was finally given some pain killers and Harry rang his boss. He was fantastic. He told Harry to take the week off and if he needed more that was fine, just be with me.
Eventually the nurse on the ward came and said “You aren’t having the ultrasound today, theya re too busy so you’ll have to wait. But there’s a shower up there if you want to go clean up and we’ll bring you some pads and put fresh sheets on the bed.” Finally, I was getting some caring treatment. My mum arrived around the same time and I went for a wash. I felt better getting it off me but it still hurt, really thought I was feeling really numb.
The day dragged on and the night did too and eventually morning came.
The head doctor came around in the morning to talk to me. She told me “I’m very sorry Emma. The blood tests show that you aren’t pregnant, but in my professional opinion I believe you’ve suffered a miscarriage. I believe that what has happened is that the egg and sperm died early on, really before you were ever pregnant, but your body confused this and tried to carry on as a normal pregnancy. However once it realised that he egg wasn’t growing your body has ejected it and this is why this is happening. I want to send you for an internal ultrasound to check that no damage has been down to your ovaries and to check that everything is out and that you don’t require a sweep.”
Once again the nurses came round to see if I was ok and if I wanted or needed anything. Harry was coming up at visiting hours so I was ok. I just read my book until it was time to go to ultrasound. I had to fill my bladder up, so that was the worst part. That and the part where everyone else in my ward heard what was happening because although doctors think that a curtain is enough privacy, it isn’t. All the other ladies were supportative and trying to be nice, but I just wanted to be left alone.
Harry arrived and he wheeled me down to ultrasound. He wasn’t allowed in with me for some reason. But as I lay there with my legs open and a camera up my lady parts, I heard the words.
“I’m sorry miss Stratton but I can confirm that you’ve had a miscarried. I’m so sorry, the good news is that there’s nothing left behind so you don’t need a sweep. I’ll pass the notes on to the doctor and they’ll send you home.”
As soon as I went out of that room, and I saw Harry, and I actually had to say the words to him “I have lost the baby”… that is when it suddenly hit me, like a tidal wave of emotion. I fell in to him and he held me tight as I just sobbed and sobbed. He calmed me down and took me back to my bed.
This is where this part of the story gets worse regarding my treatment following a miscarriage. We were sat there, talking when a lady approaches my bed. She introduces herself as the pharmacist and she wants to talk to me about medication that I am on and medication I will be taking home.
She suddenly says to me “Oh yes that’s right, they think you have *insert name of condition here which I can’t remember* and they think you’re sterile.” My mouth dropped open and I just stared at her, Harry said what I couldn’t “Excuse me?” She said “Yes taht’s right thats what the doctors think you have…” Harry again protested against what she was saying and asked her to leave. He nearly throw her out of the curtain. So obviously I was distraught. Harry asked for a doctor to come and talk to me.
On arrived and she said “Yes well, your urine and blood samples have come back negative so it wasn’t a miscarriage it was just a late period.” I lost it.
I went from 0-100 in less than a second.
“What do you mean?? I saw a consultant earlier who told me I had miscarried and that just because the tests were negative doesn’t mean anything, and I’ve just been for an ultrasound where the woman has told me I had amiscarriage, and just now I’ve had some nobody in here telling me I’m sterile. You need to get your fucking stories straight. You can’t do this to people. It’s destroying. You cant just change your minds. Have I or have I not had a miscarriage and am I sterile?”
She stood there stuttering… “Oh… well she shouldn’t have said you were sterile because that’s not true, you’re not. We were running a test to check for any diseases and she must have overheard and asssumed. I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry? You’re sorry… you think that it’s acceptable for a woman to walk around a hospital telling patients something she has overheard?”
The doctor then went on “I just need to go and check with my boss, the woman you saw earlier what she actually thinks that it is. Then give you something to take home to dry up the blood.”
I told her not to bother, that we had heard everthing that we needed to hear and that we believed the actual doctor and the ultrasound woman, and that really this hospital needs to learn it’s arse from its elbow before it carried on and ruined anymore people’s lives.
Little did I know, as I walked away from that ward in that hospital I would be back a month later.
OK I am going to have to stop there, and I will do a Part 3 when I feel up to it. Reliving the miscarriage has taken a lot out of me, but I felt that it was important to start there, because really that is what kicked all this off.