I suffer today because of yesterdays choices

Yesterday I over did it. Yesterday I believed that I could be normal, and it quickly got out of hand. As I write this many of you probably think that “out of hand” to you means that you went to the pub for 1 after work and you ended up ‘out-out’ and now have a stinking hangover have only 1 shoe and have no idea how you even got home last night or whose idea it was to get the kabab on the way home when you’ve been so good on your diet recently. However for me, this means my friend picked me up from my house at 11am and I didn’t get home until 3:30pm. Wild, I know! We went in to town, again where this used to mean cocktails and drinks, this now means a gentle amble from the parking spot to a cafe, and we sit there with a bit of cake and a cuppa.
I was so nice to be out on a week day with a friend, I felt nearly normal for a bit and I think this is where I went wrong. As we went to an estate agent as my friend is looking for a house as the one she was purchasing is on the verge of falling through I said “Well, I need to get a few bits whilst we are here, so we can look in a few estate agents windows” Harmless right? Well, so I thought too, but we were looking in our second window and we spot a couple which could be perfect for her, so we pop in.
I see a friendly face in there from Harry’s rugby club and we have a little chat before I go back and join my friend with her agent.

We are sat there as Angela (my friend) tells this very well dressed estate agent her wants and needs and everything she desires from this house and explains exactly what is happening with the one she and her partner Chris were buying.
So we are sat there and Angela is asking me my opinion on places, and then suddenly, the very well dressed estate agent brings out another property. “This one hasn’t even been put properly on the market yet.” Angela see’s it and she is doing flips.
The woman asks if we want a viewing and Angela says “Yes!” immediately. Now this is where she proved herself to be a good friend. I said to her “book it for now, it’s not like I have anything to rush home for and I can give you a second opinion.” She is so lovely and say’s “only if you’re sure” so we book in to see it, but we can’t get in until 2. It’s now just after 12… I suddenly think “What am I going to do until then, I can’t walk around for that whole time!” but obviously I don’t want to let Angela know of my worries. Then suddenly the agent is booking her in to see other houses that she had shown up, saying “we might as well do as many as we can whilst you’re here.” She isn’t wrong, and Angela needs me, she has no idea about Horsham really, she doesn’t know if places are a good location or bad. I mean Horsham doesn’t really have many bad places. Not like most people would consider bad but by Horsham standards they are bad. So I just smile and nod.

We leave the state agent and we do the thing that I need to do in town, but we still have an hour to go. I am in agony by this point, I can feel the pain levels rising and I can fee myself starting to sweat as I move because of the pain, so I suggest we get some food. I didn’t let on again that I was struggling because Angela is such a lovely person she would have felt guilty and would have cancelled the viewings. So we go and find a cafe again and grab a sandwich and another drink. A little time passes and I am able to calm a little bit, but then I remember. Angela isn’t parked in a car park close by. She had parked at a friend’s house outside of town and we had walked. On the way in it didn’t feel so bad, but now I was dreading it. I said to her that we should leave now-ish as I didn’t know how long it would take me to get back to the car as I needed to walk slowly this time. We set off and we talk nonstop all the way to the car, which helps take my mind off the pain but I’m starting to notice that as I walk and talk, I’m breathless and sweating again. I power through. I WILL NOT LET ANGELA DOWN.

We arrive at the car and her passenger car seat has never felt so comfortable before. I direct her to the first house and we look round, it is lovely. I probably would have taken it could I afford it.
She likes it but it isn’t for her. Between her and Chris their list of “Must Have’s” is longer than my arm and I can’t quite believe how inflexible they are when it comes to house hunting. I do voice my opinion as Angela requested, and we talk. We move on to the next house and we look round. I tell her outright, I don’t like it. I would have the first one. Then back in the car away from the estate agent I tell her about the area. We are in one of those bad areas that I was telling you about earlier.

We get back i the car, and before I know what I am saying I say to Ange “Hey, let’s go to see my Nan’s house. I really think you’ll like it. Her road often has houses come up for sale and you can can save a lot of time if you look at my nan’s first.
She tried to protest, “I don’t want to live in town” I told her to trust me. We went to my nans and I show Angela around, with my nans permission. I am then in the garden digging holes and moving plant pots for my nan. Not the brightest idea I have ever had, but you know, when you’re nan is as amazing as mine and she asks you to do something, you bloody well do it.
So we leave, Angela is raving about my nan’s house. “You are so right, I wouldn’t have even considered looking for houses in that area because of where it is, because I don’t know Horsham well enough”

Eventually we start heading back to my house, but I am like a tour guide. Pointing out roads and areas I think she needs to consider and why, and she is saying “Emma, you need to just get me a map and highlight on it where to look.” Eventually we get home, at about 3:30. I get in and I fall on to the sofa… I don’t stay there long, before I know it I am running to the loo and I am throwing up. This never means good things. I manage to stop and I take a seat again. I am sweating and I just need to chill. I’m on the sofa watching TV and before I know it I’m online looking at more houses for Ange as she’s text me and asked me to have a look through. I send her the ones that I think. Low and behold she see’s one that she likes. Earlier in the day she had joked that I would find her their house. And apparently I had done the unthinkable.
I awoke this morning (exhausted and in extreme pain) to messages from Ange saying that they have spoken to the vendors put an offer on and had offered terms with regards to moving date. It has something to do with the current owners have bought a new build but it won’t be ready for 6 months, so took the house originally off the market and were going to market it later. I hope her and Chris get this house. SHe says she’s been thinking about it non stop and could hardly sleep she is so excited. She even joked that I need to be an estate agent, because I found them a house that meets every single one of their criteria, and whereas other estate agents had shown them like 50 houses, I had been there to view 2 and shown her about 3 online, and I had found them the house.

Anyway, aside from what actually happened, and as happy as I am for them if it all goes to plan, I am angry at myself.

Today I am struggling – yes that word again. I am in pain and I am barely able to move or keep anything down due to the pain.
It is entirely my fault. Had I just been honest with Angela and explained my limits or just asked for us to slow down a bit properly rather than saying it half heartedly and carrying on anyway. I wish that I didn’t make myself feel like a burden and that I am more honest about my limitations to people. Angela knows I’m not well, she has been a massive support through it all, so she wouldn’t have been shocked or annoyed or even questioned it. She likely would have driven me home immediately, but because she has been such an amazing friend to me, I wanted to be there for her, even if that was just looking around some houses and staying longer than intended.

The way I feel today though has made me come to terms with the fact that I do need to be more honest and open and voice my limitations. I need to not get carried away with feeling almost normal in a moment and to think about the bigger picture. I need to weigh up if neglecting my health today will be worth it tomorrow. I am sure in some cases it will totally be worth it, and in a way I feel that yesterday was too…
If I helped Angela and Chris find their dream home and it all works out for them than it was 100% worth it.

But from now on, I will take the time to really think about the consequences of my actions. Growing up I had always been told to do that, and I applied it to every aspect of my life apart from my health. I had taken for granted my healthy body, even with insomnia, and I could do anything and everything. I never had to consider “How will this make tomorrow?” I never had to think “If I do this will I actually be able to get out of bed tomorrow, let alone even do the washing up for example” Because so far today the answer has been, NO, I am not able to do the washing up. I have gotten out of bed to get something to eat (which turned out to be a waste of time) and I have gotten out of bed to vomit. That is it. I know I have a list of chores to do and I really should be getting on with them, but I can’t at the moment. I’m sure as the clock ticks round further and it gets closer to the time when Harry gets home, I will force myself up and rush round doing everything even if it makes me worse. But like I previously said, it’s a vicious circle of struggle and guilt.

Anyway, I am Emma and I need to think about the consequences of my actions.


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