Lonely.

For a person with a chronic illness, who spends her days at home with just the dogs for company I am lucky that I don’t really suffer from lonliness on a regular basis. I think that is because I have a very strong network of friends who I am in contact with throughout the day, either constant text messages or phone calls, who help me get through the pain on a daily basis. And I couldn’t put in to words how grateful I am for them.

I also have an amazing mother, who calls me on her lunch breaks, and emails me from her office to check up on me too. To see how I feel, if I need anything, and just to tell me she loves me.

All these people are amazing, and I cannot thank them enough, but there is one person who wthout I don’t know what I would have done.
Harry, he is my fiancee, the love of my life, and my best friend. I always used to think it was a cliche when people called their husbands or whatever their best friend. I always used to think “Do you say that because you don’t have any other friends?”
But now it makes so much sense to me. I don’t know whether it was just because I had never found love like this before, or what, but now I truly believe that Harry is my best friend. He is more than that, he is the other half of me. Don’t get me wrong, there are times when we have argued and screamed our lungs out at each other, but each time we end up sorting it out becase we knew we are meant to be together. And I thank my lucky stars daily that he is still here. Because not many men would have stayed with me through all of this.

When I first met Harry I was fit and healthy. I was skinner and I was fine. But nearly 4 years later he has seen me deteriate in to a shell of the woman I first was.
Over the years, the days in bed and all of the hospital admissions and operations, everything. He has been there. He’s carried me when I couldn’t stand or walk, he’s changed bandages when they need doing, he’s cleaned me up when I’ve been sick, and even once caught my vomit with his coat when I was going to be sick on myself on the way to hospital.
He has washed me and dressed me.
He has even wiped me when I’ve been to the toilet. Yes you read that right. After my operations last year when I was left with the holes in the front of my body and I could barely move, not only would H help me to the bathroom he would literally wipe my ass.

At the time I joked “You’ll have to marry me now…You’ve done and seen too much” We laughed and he kissed my forehead. But here we are, nearly a year later engaged and planning our wedding.
I knew from very early on he was the one, but back then when I was so sick I wasn’t even thinking of him proposing. I was too ill to think about it, and it was just a joke, but I found out in December of last year when he proposed that whilst I was in hospital and he was looking after me, he knew he was going to marry me.

But I digress from my originally point. Because Harry is my best friend the week when he is on call and his hours change, I do get lonely.

He is gone til later in the day and he is often called out in the middle of the night and on the weekends. I know that he is working hard for us and our life together, but I miss him. Every other time he goes to work I am fine, it’s just the 1 week in 4 that everything is all different for a week is hard. I’m lying here on our bed, watching rubbish tv, waiting for him to get home.
I just feel like part of me is missing. Maybe it’s because we have our routine and normally by this point we’ve picked something to watch, and are cuddled in bed watching it.

So I will wait for him to return.

He’s a picure of us. I will post a better one, where it actually shows how handsome he is.
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