Last night as I lay in bed in pain and unable to sleep I decided that I was going to try and do an activity every day, from the list of things I used to do daily. I decided to do this because it would help me to see exactly where I am, how far I have slipped and how I feel about it.
Today I decided to try and make cupcakes. Usually making a batch of cupcakes is something I could do with my eyes shut, whilst I did numerous other things.
So today I started, I got everything together that I would need, got the mixer and everything set up and started. Then I needed a sit down.
I finally got the mixture made and spooned in to cases and put in the oven. I then had a sit down.
10-12 minutes later I got them out of the oven… I needed a sit down.
I started making the icing… I needed to sit down.
So I currently have 18 non-iced cupcakes, extreme pain and I feel like I need to sleep, and a load of washing up to do.
Apparently long gone are the days where I would make Cupcakes, a victoria sponge, home made pie for dinner and maybe something else to boot, and have it all washed up and put away long before Harry was home, as well as doing all of the other chores that need doing daily, like putting washing on and then hanging it out, walking the dogs, hoovering the house, dusting, cleaning the bathroom, washing the kitchen floor, cook dinner and so many other things…
I used to power through these jobs and do most of them every single day, now I am lucky if I do one a day. Today I haven’t even finished one of them. Infact I made more work for myself. So it’s time to wash up, sit down. Pack away, sit down and maybe finish the cakes…
Today has been disheartening to say the least. I feel like a failure. I feel like I have lost the ability to do something I loved and was good at. I feel like I’ve lost myself. Now I feel like I’m going to cry. (After I’ve had a sit down)