I have been ill for so long that I can’t remember what life was like and how I used to feel, because feeling the way I do right now, is a varying state of what I feel on a day-to-day basis and there is no end in sight.
It has also gotten to the stage where I don’t know if, “This is as well as the pain will be managed by the medication I am on, or whether I could live pain-free on the right medication”? Because I sure as hell know that without medication I can’t function.
I have seriously started to scale back my meds, because it started to feel like they weren’t working anymore. I was taking up to 60 tablets and medications a day and I reached a point where I didn’t feel any better for taking them. If I didn’t take a dose I didn’t notice a massive difference in how I was feeling either. So they switched me to these pain patches. So now I’m sitting here, close to tears from the pain, wondering if the pain patch isn’t working because I am still having to top it up with oral morphine and tramadol and ibuprofen, or whether without the patch I would feel even worse, be in even more pain and would be taking even more pills??
There also doesn’t seem to be anyone who I can ask or talk to about this. The GP, bless her, nods her head and looks sympathetic and says “I understand..” and all that flashes through my head is “I don’t think you do” and she goes on to say “Well are you taking (insert name of drug) still? Have you continued (drug)? What if we switched the dosages of (drug) and (drug) and you take them at different times and (more/less) often until we find the right mixture and balance?”
That is all well and good, but you can tell that these Drs have never had to try and have a life around these medications and illness. It’s embarrassing to be out with people on a rare occasion that I feel well enough, and I have to pull a pharmacy out of my handbag and start counting out pills on the table. Then theres the looks from tables around us as people notice just how many packets I am pulling out and how many tablets I am swollowing. Yes by now most of my friends are used to it, but they still have the shocked look or make the “Got enough there?” jokes or so on…
But maybe this is life… maybe I will always start my breakfast, lunch and dinner with an extra course, a fistful of pills.
But what next… does all this medication mean I have to rule out children, or other things in my life? It’s something I’ve been thinking about and I will be posting about soon.